I AM PREGNANT – AGAIN! Francesca is now almost 9 months, and I am half way through my second pregnancy. With such a harsh winter, the bump is not quite as evident under all the layers, sweaters and coats. So I usually end up telling people – or they find out when I refuse a glass of wine or sushi (which never happens). The reaction I get when I tell people is shocking:
“WAS THAT AN ACCIDENT?”
“WHAT!? LIKE, HOW FERTILE ARE YOU GUYS?”
“OMG. WHY? WASN’T IT YOU WHO DID NOT WANT TO HAVE KIDS, LIKE EVER?”
It gives me a kick every time and I have to say that if this pregnancy weren’t planned, people’s responses would be super discouraging. But the truth is that, after 25hrs of unmedicated labor, 5 hours of pushing, a broken tailbone and a failed attempt to breastfeed, I was ready for the second baby STAT.
Why? There is an emotional and a rational reason behind this.
Rationally, we were sure we wanted more than one baby – and I am not sure that if we waited two years, I would have gone through with it at all – or would have ben able to! My life has been full of “interruptions”. Every time we move to another country I have to start from scratch. New friends, new location, new place, and often – new work situation. It is definitely not that I am craving stability per se but I do crave some sort of professional continuity. I am exhausted of this stop and go roulette and have so many ideas I want to materialize – but have not been able to make the investment (emotional, time and financial) because it simply would not make sense to do so when I don’t know where I will be 2 years from now – or if I will have the availability. Also, after seeing other couples have kids, we fell in love with the dynamic of siblings who are so close together. How they share so much in life. It just made sense to us.
The next thing people ask me is why we took such a drastic turn? From NEVER wanting kids, to going all in. That is the emotional reason behind it. First of all, Matthew always wanted us to have a family. I slowly caved in – he would have been a waste of a great potential dad. Secondly, secretly I think I did always want kids but had protected myself from the possibility of NOT BEING ABLE TO HAVE THEM.
Confession: At 20 I was diagnosed with a strong case of Polycystic Ovaries (POCS). My doctor treated me for a year and got me on the pill. He advised me to be mentally prepared for infertility. At the time, motherhood was not even in my plans. I was never the broody type. I never had even imagined myself as a mom. So it was easy to say, ok, fine; If I can’t have them – then I will plan a life where I don’t want them.
Life went on. A few years laters I became severely allergic to the birth control pills. I think switching brands and doses as often as I moved countries and doctors eventually got to me. I began getting huge cystic acne on my face and blotches all over my body. I lost most of my hair and went off the pill.
I actually wanted to start a blog before this happened but I felt like such a monster that I would have never dared to sit infront of a camera or share an image of my face. I hid from the world. My husband was amazing through it all (we were already together by then). His confident, sexy, outgoing, party-girl fianceé became a shy, insecure, moody hermit.
I refused to meet new people or old friends. I limited my outings to yoga class and got REALLY into it because it was the ONLY thing that made me feel good. Nobody knew me there. They all accepted me. I began to take health courses. Ayurveda courses. Nutrition courses and went fully organic and working out twice a day, eating superfoods and taking supplements like Spirulina, Zink and Maca every morning. I was living in Costa Rica and fully embraced the eco life.
Slowly, over what was basically a DETOX period of 11 months, the hives disappeared and I resurfaced. I began a new business that thrived. Started this blog and took art, beaches and yoga to the extremes as personal therapy.
To this date, I am incredibly grateful to Costa Rica and the people who welcomed me in Krama, the Yoga school that reminded me who I was.
I tell you all this because, from the point when I began the detox to the day I became pregnant about 5 years went by. I was not on birth control. I was not aiming to get pregnant and used the “rythm method” but for all I know I may not have been fertile for all that time. Maybe I always was. Matthew waited patiently for me. Years later I decided to have babies on a trip with two girls I met in Yoga class. Call me crazy but it came to me after meditating on the top of the fire Angkor Wat Temple in Cambodia. It had already been cruising my mind, but I made the final decision then. I was READY. I called Matt when we got to the hotel and told him I was ready. A week later, he picked me up from the airport, took me to the Ritz in NYC and well, got me pregnant that same night!
Being able to have kids has been a fairytale for me. One that happened after a lot of hardship -and something that I am incredibly humbled and grateful for.
I am having a second baby back to back because, honestly it feels like such a gift to be able to do this and because deep inside I have a secret fear of loosing the power of being able to make a little humans with this body of mine. Life is so unpredictable.
Today I hope to be out of the diaper era in about two years and crack on with all the plans I have on hold. (But, like I said, life is unpredictable. I don’t know for sure where I will be in two years (physically). But today, I can make long term plans with full confidence for, what feels like the first time.